Thursday, May 7, 2009

Oprah Must Calm America's Furious Chicken Riots

The breadth of Oprah's Free KFC Giveaway Disaster yesterday is just starting to become clear. Reports now indicate that the desperate—and dangerous—Oprah-induced public rush for free chicken and biscuits was a nationwide phenomenon:

In the breathtaking and blurry pic above, a line stretches outside the Penn Station KFC yesterday—a line that would soon morph into a full-blown public protest, in favor of free chicken. The manager of the store now says that the coupons will be honored today, as well, so rush right down there, everyone! But the KFC panic was widespread; look at this violent report from North Carolina:

Greensboro Police were forced to block off the entrance to the KFC on Bessemer Avenue during the dinner rush Wednesday night.

The Fire Marshal shutdown the restaurant when too many people packed inside, and many customers left empty handed.

And what is Oprah's response to this public chicken mania that she has sparked? To deny the very real danger of RACE RIOTS:

A spokewoman for Oprah's Harpo Productions in Chicago said they are not aware of any problems with the coupons.

We'd all love to pretend that we weren't "aware" of the problem, Oprah, but we've passed that point now. What we need now are solutions—real solutions, involving large sums of money from you, funneled to the angry public, via certain online media outlets who will take only a nominal percentage fee for their cooperation. Otherwise the Chicken Riots of '09 may, indeed, become your greatest legacy. Of shame.

KFC's Refusal to Give Away Grilled Chicken Sparks Sit-In?

The scene outside a crowded KFC just moments ago, where a manager had barred entry to the establishment, leaving what appears to be a dejected Wally Shawn stuck outside muttering, "Inconceivable."

UPDATE BELOW] Yesterday Oprah Winfrey thought she'd be nice and arrange for free KFC grilled chicken for everybody. Big mistake. The demand for free fowl has been so overwhelming that many people are having a dickens of a time getting their chickens because the website can't handle all the coupon downloads. This morning Grub Street compiled some of the more "heart wrenching" comments from thwarted KFC consumers on Oprah's site, such as "I'M MELTING CAN'T GET THE COUPONS PLEASE IS THERE ANOTHER WAY OF GETTING THEM ???? HUNGRY FOR THE CHIICKEN" and "Nice gesture since I am unemployed and a free dinner would have been nice. I could not download the coupon."

And now this harrowing report from the scene of a KFC on 42nd Street between Madison and Park has landed in our inbox:

I went over to our nearest KFC a few minutes ago...and chaos ensued. Despite the very visible grilled chicken behind the register, the manager told everyone with coupons to leave and that the promotion was over for the day. The people there are currently holding a sit-in and refusing to leave until they get their free chicken...or the cops are called. Racial epithets were being spewed, people who actually wanted to pay for chicken were facing a potential beatdown, and the manager ran from the screaming horde. Oprah, what have ye wrought?

More than a dozen calls placed to the KFC in question have been met with an ominous busy signal. We can only assume a riot squad is currently cracking skulls to save that last defenseless grilled chicken from the freeloading mob. Developing...

UPDATE: The photo seen here was just sent to us from our source, who returned to the KFC in question but was unable to get inside to assess the situation. We're told that "unfortunately the manager is now standing in the entrance and all of the patrons are inside since it's post-lunch rush." We can only assume it's a bloodbath in there. Still developing...